What I Really Say vs. What My Toddler Hears

What I really say: Leave the dog alone.    What he hears: Poke the dog’s eyeball out!

What I really say: Stop digging in the trash!    What he hears: Eat out of the trash?  Yay!  Don’t mind if I do!

What I really say: Don’t squish your food between your toes.   What he hears: Squish more food between my toes.

What I really say: Quit pushing buttons on the DVR.   What he hears: Reset the DVR!  But wait until something good comes on..

What I really say: Don’t touch the remote!   What he hears: Turn on the TV and record random shows, like soccer game reruns!

What I really say: The garage door opener isn’t a toy!    What he hears: Hide the garage door opener so Mom and Dad have to buy a new one.  What a fun game!

What I really say: Away from the fish tank!    What he hears: Hide behind the fish tank!

What I really say: Leave the dog’s food alone.   What he hears:  Must eat the dog food. 

What I really say: Do NOT play in the toilet!    What he hears: Splash in the toilet water!

What I really say: Calm down.    What he hears: Freak out!

What I really say: Stop feeding your lunch to the dog.    What he hears:  Feed ALL my lunch to the dog! 

What I really say:  Come here!    What he hears: Crawl away as fast as possible and laugh about it.

 What I really say: Give daddy kisses!    What he hears: Smack daddy in the face.

What I really say:  Don’t touch mommy’s frosty until we get home.  What he hears: Shove hand directly into frosty cup before we even make it to the car!

What I really say:  Time to go to your doctor’s appointment.  What he hears: Time for a diaper explosion!

What I really say:  Hold still, please!   What he hears: Wiggle, squirm, and flail around…consider it done!

What I really say:  Don’t feed that to the dog, it’s toxic for animals!    What he hears:  Feed all of it to the dog!!!!  Muhahahaha!

What I really say: Put your ABC magnets back.   What he hears: Throw them in the trash can!

What I really say:  Say hi to the nice lady.   What he hears:  Say nothing and stare creepily.

Parenting…never a dull moment.  I find it increasingly difficult to keep a straight face when I’m getting onto him.